Back from Summer - update #1

So I realize that sometimes I just don't write that much on my blogs and there are some days where time is going so slowly and so many things are happening, you just feel like you have to write it all down somewhere, leave a mark, leave some history behind.

I guess the main thing that is on my mind right now is not my 14.03 exam (which I should be worried about, but I'm not) is what I will do when I graduate. I have had given much thought to my future during the summer especially when I was busy trying to figure out what exactly that I wanted to do. Partially, I think I've got it all figured out, yet partially, I'm asking myself if that is the past I have chosen. Recruitment has begun and I am simply dappling in it. For fun, I tell myself. Yet, when I get that rejection email saying that I did not make it to the second round interview, I feel awful. I read somewhere that some people's self worth rise when they are wanted by others, but there are some people who expect others to rise to their self worth. So I tell myself that I want to be the second group of people, where I don't care about what other people say or do, as long as I focus on figure out the path that I am supposed to walk on.

Dagny in "Atlas Shrugged" is someone whom I would want to become. Perhaps in many people's eyes, she's an outcast, she defies norms, she takes risks, she indulges in "sinful" activities, yet she operates on her own terms, set by herself, without negotiating the terms in which she lives by. If I can one day have her strength to fight the public, if I can one day meet that man who will fight with me, I think I would have definitely be satisfied and have found my path.

Sometimes I think that I think too much but do too little. I plan a lot but end up doing nothing. My cousin, J.P., recently came to the U.S. to pursue a master's degree. His English is decent, but definitely not great, he was confused, didn't know how the system worked, yet, he was determined to get a driver's license and a social security#. Within 2 weeks of his arrival on campus, he has attained both. I think if I were him, it might have taken me 2 years maybe. 1) I tend to procrastinate and 2) perhaps, I'm just scared to try. Subconsciously, I have a strong urge to succeed but have fear of failing. I think everyone has that fear and I react to that fear by stalling the process. Often, I would find myself sitting in front of my computer screen watching meaningless youtube videos rather than tackling that much to be studied exam. Or I would be hiding in my room, giving myself excuses rather than following through with my personal training goals. Although I persuade myself that I have to be strong, fight hard, and never never procrastinates, I do. Even now, I am procrastinating, trying to push off studying for my 14.03 exam. And to what purpose?